So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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