Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
