he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize