I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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