im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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