god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
