If that was your dad, he is hot
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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