The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
