matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize