it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
