I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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