Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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