Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
