I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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