My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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