It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
