Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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