how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
