Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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