i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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