I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
