apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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