I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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