my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize