The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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