Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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