Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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