I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
