I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
