I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
