i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
