hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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