My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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