There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
