I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
