You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
