Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
