I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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