Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
