I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
