Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
