my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize