Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she told me i tasted like america
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
