she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
