guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
