Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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