I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
