I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize