Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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