There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
