I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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