I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
