my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i think my cat just said my name.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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