I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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