Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
