i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize