The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
