he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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