you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
