So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
