apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
