My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize