morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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