Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I want a musical about memes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize