when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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