i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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