I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
