I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
