how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
